Decisions, Decisions...

Dear Charlotte,

I love you, baby. Just like last week you are laying on my chest. However, this time you just don't seem to be feeling very well. Any time I try to put you down, you fuss. All you want right now is mommy cuddles. It's okay, though. Your mommy loves you enough to hold you when you need it. I still love that I can be a comfort for you.

We went to an ENT yesterday, and I was a bit disappointed. He barely even checked you, and wrote us off saying you are fine. While I don't necessarily WANT something to be wrong, it was disheartening to be sure you have a tongue tie and have him say otherwise. That said, I do still feel like you have a lip and/or posterior tongue tie. I don't know that you are in desperate need of revision, but I have certainly felt the tension underneath your tongue and the difficulties you have during nursing.

A person who hasn't felt a baby mash their nipples has no idea what it's like to have a baby with nursing issues. I don't blame you at all, but now I'm not sure whether I want to try to nurse again or if I want to just pump milk for you. I'm also unsure whether I want to pursue treatment more or just let this go and see if you're affected at all when you're older. It's not easy being a mother... I feel like if I do something "wrong" I'll mess you up for life, and this is definitely one of those times. Eep! I wonder what future you would want.

I did try to nurse you a bit today, and it went slowly just like before. I tried to make sure your lip was flanged out correctly, that you got enough of the nipple in your mouth, and that you were staying awake. I didn't have a whole lot of pain - though there was some there - and you did get a little bit of milk. I think for now I'm going to try to nurse you occasionally and see how it goes. Part of me feels bad because I actually kinda like exclusively pumping better than nursing, but I feel like as long as you get breast milk everything is okay.

(For future reference, why do I prefer exclusively pumping? I really, really dislike being wet, sticky, smelly, etc. That's what happens to me when you nurse. Breast milk gets all over the place, I get sweaty, my garments get crunchy, not to mention that it takes for-eeeee-verrr for you to nurse, and I just want to stand in a shower for an hour afterward. Pumping is just a lot less messy, even though it requires more cleaning of supplies. I really want you to get the breast milk, and since you typically use a nipple shield it's not like we're missing the closeness as long as I hold you while you're being fed.)

This is going to sound really controlling, but there's one thing I love about being a mom: having the final say. I love that, even with the 10,000,000,001 people who just know what's right for my child, I get to say what's actually going to happen. Oh, you just know my baby just dirtied her diaper and I must change her this moment? Thanks! I'll take that into consideration... and change her once I feel she is actually finished. I bet you didn't realize she gets very gassy and sometimes - even after a huge rumblin' - she has absolutely NOTHING in her diaper. *GASP!* I spend a hefty chunk of my day with this baby, not to mention I carried her inside of me for 39 weeks. You may have a gaggle of children, but each child is different. Charlotte is safe, happy, gaining weight, etc, so I'm not fishing for unsolicited advice. It's totally different if I ask for it, but for the most part that's not the case. Bah. End rant... for now.

I've gone on quite a bit so I'm going to close for now, but I want to say - as always - I LOVE YOU! I want you to always remember that I will be there for you no matter what. There's nothing you could do that would change that. You are so important to me, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

Sincerely,
Mommy.

(P.S. I biked 5 miles in 20.5 minutes tonight! Woohoo! I really want to get healthy for you, Daddy, and any future children which may come along. To be completely honest, I was thinking of all of the above while I was exercising. I needed the motivation - especially because I really don't want to have another baby before I lose a significant amount of weight or at least start feeling a little better about my body.)

That One Time, in Texas

Daddy had a three-day weekend sooo guess what?! We went with Grandma and Grandpa Lacey to Texas to meet Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa Bonner (Grandpa's mother and step-father.) The visit went well! We mostly just visited and enjoyed spending time together. Daddy hadn't seen his grandparents in a long time, so it was very special for him to see them again and introduce you and I to them. He cried a bit when we left, we because we don't know if or when we'll be able to go down again but it was nice to get the opportunity. Picture time!

First, we have a picture of our little family in front of the "eiffel tower" in Paris, Texas. 

Notice the cowboy hat? Grandpa was especially proud of that.

Next, we have the "four generations" picture they were really excited to capture. You weren't terribly excited about it, and I had to swoop in behind the scenes to provide you with milk. 

Daddy, Grandpa Lacey, Great-Grandma Bonner, and you!

Overall, not a bad weekend. I'm glad we got to do it.

Ballerina Shot

The First Online Letter

Dear Charlotte,

This isn't the first letter I've written to you. I have a few from before you were born (and I was a total basket case), one from after you were born (basket case), but none online (still a basket case.) This is particularly interesting considering how many letters I wrote your sister. So why start now? Well, my sweet little monkey, you are only a month old but every day you do something I want to remember. Daddy and I don't know whether we will ever have another baby, and I want to ensure I appreciate every little detail of the years you won't remember when you're older.

Before you were born, I promised myself I would sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you because, yeah, you are my sunshine. I remember sitting in bed with Daddy one day looking up lullabies on the internet. Daddy had his head in my lap (by you) and while I rubbed his head I would sing each lullaby. It was such a relaxing way to spend the evening. I can't say I have sung many lullabies to you, but I have certainly sung "You Are My Sunshine" to you. Even after many poopy diapers, lost sleep, and tears over breastfeeding issues, the sentiment still holds true. I love you so much.

Several things have turned out differently than I thought they would. Breastfeeding is one of them. I honestly thought you would be born, I would hold you to my breast, and we would have a reasonably uncomplicated breastfeeding relationship. Not so. Turns out you have a tongue and/or lip tie, if not both. You have a lot of trouble latching and staying latched. You end up mashing my nipples and causing a lot of pain. We'll be taking you to an ENT on the 21st. Hopefully he'll be able to fix your ties and we can get on with breastfeeding! I've been pumping a lot to make sure you still have the breast milk, though we do occasionally have to supplement with formula because my supply isn't wonderful. I have had a couple breakdowns because of this, but we are doing fairly well with our arrangement. Well, you're still alive and gaining weight anyway. Points for the alive part?

At this very moment, you are curled up on my chest. It's one of your favorite places to be. When you're happy: Mommy. When you're upset or uncomfortable: Mommy. I love that I can be such a comfort to you. Being that for you is one of the biggest reasons I love being a mom. Other reasons: You're crazy adorable, fun to dress in cute outfits, and a motivation to be the best person and mom I can be.

I'm going to lose the computer soon, so I'll close this letter. I love you sweetness. You are the absolute best baby ever.

Sincerely,
Mommy

Here's a few pictures from your very first few days of life!

BRAND NEW YOU. Not the best picture
buuut I wasn't the one taking the pictures.
I was busy, you know, getting stitched up.
I had kinda just had that head pop out of my lady bits.

This might be the first picture with Daddy.

Skin-to-skin time with mommy!

One of the first photos of you in the NICU. It wasn't easy seeing you like this!

I dunno. Just cuteness.

Our first non-delivery photo together.

Uncle Adam meeting you for the first time!

The day before we got to go home!
You'd just hit the required weight gain. Woot!