The Lord Knows

Dear Charlotte,

I'm just realizing how much of a blessing your sister and you have been in my life. I mean, I have always known you were a blessing - a tiny, adorable blessing - but I think it's just hitting me now. I was just mentioning to my father how the Lord knows how we need to experience something for it to be best for us. For my pregnancy with your sister, I needed to have a relatively easy pregnancy physically. I needed to focus on enjoying my limited time with her, not be miserable. Sure, I had pain, but I didn't realize how much worse it could be until I was pregnant with you.

The pain I experienced while pregnant with you was many times what I experienced with your sister. My stomach stretched larger and was much heavier with you. Early on, my groin began to ache as it had when I was nearing the end with your sister and I knew I was in for quite the long haul. I sobbed because of the pain of you, but knowing I would get to keep you when it was all over got me through. I didn't have that with your sister. With you, I felt every contraction. I was okay with not trying additional pain medication if it meant risk to you. I was discharged from the hospital only twelve hours after you were born to follow you to Kansas City. I have experienced the exhaustion of staying up way too late to care for someone you love, and the anxiety of being a NICU mom.

The experiences have been night and day, but I needed that - and the Lord knew it. He knew I not only needed different pregnancies, but I needed to have a crash course in parenthood at the NICU, monitored by skilled nurses. In all honesty, you were several days old before I changed even one diaper. I waited impatiently for the plans from the doctors, and cared for you as best I could. I watched you as you slept, pumped as much as possible (even through the night) and held you until I had to eat or sleep (though I didn't get much sleep at all those first few days, thanks to not having a constant place to sleep.) That beginning, though physically and emotionally taxing, was exactly what I needed.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: the Lord gives us trials so we can learn and grow. With each pregnancy, I have been stretched in different, important ways. With both my relationship with your father grew stronger. You may not want to hear this, but it's a little more difficult to be cheery with your partner when you're dead tired. I can certainly see how having a new child puts stress on a marriage - but your father and I have worked together well. The first couple weeks were rough, but we have our stride now, and we couldn't imagine our lives without you.

Your father is a blessing too. He cares for both of us better than many wives can say about their husbands. Your daddy loves us enough to care for you through the night so I can sleep and be ready to care for you through the day. Isn't that great? He changes diapers, feeds you, and rocks you to sleep when necessary. By 9 or so in the morning, I take over and keep that position until Daddy gets home from work somewhere around 11 at night. You may not see the significance in that, but when you have little ones of your own you'll wish your husband was as amazing as your daddy - trust me.

Sweetie, my eyes are as dry as the desert so I think it's time to close - but all that means is more cuddles from your mommy. We like cuddle time.

Sincerely,
Mommy.

(P.S. We had a great experience in the tub today. You've been really congested so I took you into a warm bath with me and held you on top of the water so you were floating. You really love the water, and you even relaxed enough to start yawning. I hope we can do that more often.)